It’s been awhile…

Hi guys, it’s been awhile since I have posted, and I haven’t been reading blogs very much lately. It just seems like I haven’t had the time.  I have been busily catching up with friends, a jaunt to Sydney, GAMSAT study, catching up on my reading list, working, wedding/ hens preparations and then the wedding in which I was a bridesmaid and then my hard drive died.   Of course I used the hard drive dying as the perfect excuse to purchase a sexy macbook pro which I must say I am in love with.  So of course I’ve been playing around with it instead of blogging.

My trip to Sydney was fantastic.  I went to see Wicked at the Capital Theatre which is a truly magnificent place.  It has an amazing atmosphere and energy about the place.  Wicked was funny and incredibly entertaining and I would love to see it again if I get the chance.  While in Sydney, I also attended the start of the spring racing carnival and it reminded me how much fun I used to have dressing up with my friends and going to the races.  It’s been a while since I’d been.  I must say though, the best part of my trip was getting away for a while and catching up with a good friend with many glasses of wine while exploring the city.  It was great to relax for a while.  So this brief post has been an updater and I promise to return soon with a more expansive/ enlightening post.

A bad week

This past week has been a bad week.  It started with the dreaded email from acer last thursday telling me that I didn’t meet the cut off for interview at any of the schools I applied to.  I was quite disappointed and upset at first, although not really surprised.  It has made me rethink my choices and what I want to do with my life.  I have decided to give the GAMSAT one more shot next year and have one last shot at this whole medical school application business.  I’m certainly not putting my life on hold and plan on enjoying myself immensely.

It just means I need to think of other careers I would like if medicine doesn’t work out at this point in my life, and whether further study is needed.  I’ve been set on a career in medicine for so long now that it’s hard to think of back up options.  I plan on just taking some time, relaxing, and hopefully other options will come to me.  I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and maybe I am not ready yet to pursue a career in medicine.   I would like to wish any readers out there the very best of luck with their preparation for the interview and the interviews themselves.

Missing out on an interview however, paled in comparison with the death of my Nana Tuesday morning.  Three years ago she was diagnosed with a mesothelioma and the prognosis wasn’t good.  She wasn’t expected to live past six months, and yet was still going strong until recently.  She may have had cancer, and had a depleted energy level but she was otherwise healthy and happy, which is why it was a bit of a shock to me.  She was my last surviving grandparent and someone I admired greatly.  I will miss her.  I don’t think I told her often enough how I felt, so for the last time I will simply say, Nana, I love you.  You will be missed.

Naval gazing and interview offers

This morning I went to breakfast with a friend who will be a bride in a couple of months, and I shall be a bridesmaid.  The other bridesmaid (the one that is actually in the country) was also present and we discussed the wedding, the hens, flowers, hair and makeup and other wedding related things.  We also chatted randomly and caught up with what was going on in each others lives which was followed brief tour of the local shopping center, and it was nice.  It’s been awhile since I’ve had a morning like this and I forgot how relaxing it can be.  How nice it can be in the company of an old friend.  I realised though, that I don’t tend to do these sorts of things, and turn down social invitations quite frequently.  Usually I prefer my own company and I was certainly dreading this morning before I left home.  I seriously considered calling my friend with some excuse as to why I couldn’t make it after all.  I am very glad I didn’t as I had an enjoyable morning.

It did make me think about how self reliant I am though, and the circumstances that have led me to where I am.  For almost as long as I can remember, I have only ever had myself to rely on.  I did rely on my grandmother to a small extent while she was alive, but that was a while ago now.  It’s the usual story of parents divorce, father living in another state, then mother remarrying evil stepfather who taught me that to trust people meant getting hurt, so instead I spent a large proportion of my teenage years at the local library or reading in my bedroom.  I wasn’t a big socialiser in my teens, and still am not.  The lessons learnt have stuck, and I don’t think I had the chance to fully find my feet in a social sense.  So to avoid the uncomfortableness I feel in social situations I just avoid them all together.  I have realised I have no problem communicating with people over the internet, however communicating in person is another matter.   I feel awkward and unsure, waiting for the inevitable (to me anyway) explosion.  I am terrible at reading subtle cues and social interactions.

This was further brought home to me this afternoon when I was purchasing a book at a local retailer.  The clerk was all smiley and making a lot of eye contact and this really freaked me out.  The amount of eye contact to me seemed unnatural and got me thinking.  I very rarely make eye contact when I am talking to people, and this is out of no disrespect to them at all, but is an unresolved issue brought on from years of walking on eggshells.   I don’t like making eye contact with people, which is a strange issue of mine I never really realised until today, but it one I think I need to address.

You may get the impression from this post that I don’t really like people, which is actually so very far from the truth.  I find people fascinating – from the most basic level of anatomy to the complex thoughts and feelings that are often undefinable. I am intrigued about our species and want to try to understand as much as I can about us.  I suspect that is part of my motivation in wanting to study medicine – I want a deeper knowledge, a greater understanding.  Medicine may not provide me these answers but it is a start. I suspect I have rambled on for far too long, as I only meant to make this a brief, musing post. Something to be addressed more fully after I have had more time to contemplate.

One advantage has come out of my naval gazing today though, I haven’t thought about the release of interview offers for medical school all day.   Although this time around, I haven’t been too concerned about the whole process and have been pretty happy to plod along without knowing.  I am not really sure of my chances of an interview and am half expecting the dreaded acer email.  Whatever happens though, I realise I am perfectly happy to accept either outcome and this has surprised and pleased me.  It’s made me realise that getting into medicine is not the be all and end all of my life.  I hope that if the interview offer does materialise, and I am offered a place in medicine, that I am able to maintain the same outlook and balance in my life.  I just want to wish all the other applicants out there the best of luck, and hope you have an interview offer in your hands pretty soon!

Some days I really hate my job…

*Rant Alert*

Well the title says it all really.  Some days I really do just hate my job, and today is one of those days.  It’s not because of the 6am start or the customers, although there are some strange ones around like the guy who offered me work that payed $1000 -1 $500 an hour or day (I’m unsure which, although I really don’t want to know what I’d have to do to earn that sort of money!) but that’s a whole other story.  Today I hate my job because of my colleagues, which is often the reason why I hate my job.  Usually I get along fine with them, we have a laugh and a gossip, get on with the job and go home happy, but today that was not the case.

Today one of my colleagues was quite agressive towards me because I organised for a person who is part of our department (but works in a location somewhat removed from the rest of the department) to have one of their entitled breaks by sending someone else from our department over to do her job.  It’s not like she can just leave her area, and is as entitled to a break as the rest of us and for this colleague to get so damn agressive towards me about this act, really really really pissed me off.  The colleague getting the break is a lovely and somewhat mild mannered person, and will often go without breaks if everyone is busy rather then push the issue (which of course she shouldn’t have to in the first place), and it had been pointed out to me by management when I went full time that it was part of our responsibility to ensure she got the breaks she was entitled to.

Previously management had been giving her breaks as it was a new position, and were doing this for the transition period which is now well over.  It has become our responsibility to ensure she gets breaks and I have no problem with it.  In fact, it wasn’t even busy enough in the main location that giving her a break was a problem in my mind (although it seems it is in my colleagues mind).  But I dealt with the aggression and moved on.  It reared it’s head again later when I stayed back half an hour to ensure she got her last break.

This time there was more venom, and the idea was raised that a manager should come down to our department to help out.  To which I replied, hang on a minute, I should be finishing at this time and it doesn’t effect you as you won’t be down a person.   Also management have no problem coming down to help out when it’s busy so just call them. Her reply was that well I shouldn’t be organising a break for the other girl regularly as then management will come to expect it, well hello they already do expect it! I really don’t see how hard it is to slot in an extra hours’ worth of breaks into the schedule when there are gaps of 45 minutes to an hour when no one is on a break, especially when the lovely girl is so flexible and doesn’t mind when she gets a break.

What further annoyed me was then another colleague pulling me aside (after talking to first angry colleague) and telling me I can’t just stay back (even though I do owe the company hours) because I will then work too many hours for the week as this is my long week and I’ll go into overtime.  Well I am pretty damn sure there is a system in place that allows those extra hours to go into the bank of hours (and come off the hours I owe) and not go into my actual pay hours.  Although I didn’t realise at first that I would work too many hours, so I’ve arranged to start later on the weekend when it won’t effect these two colleagues., thus solving the major issue of working too many hours.  I guess I am just so fed up with the politics and pettiness and  the behavior exhibited today really really pissed me off.  There endeth my rant.

Work, Customers and Charity Balls.

I realised the other day that I hadn’t posted anything in quite a while.  I have not really had anything that I have wanted to say.   I’ve been busy and I can’t believe how quickly the time is flying by.  I started full time work this past week and it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, although I am giving it time to see how it all goes.  I had a few interesting encouters with customers this past week that are worth documenting.  The first started when I asked a customer how they where that day, to which they replied, “I’m perfect, you should try me out”.  I was a bit shocked, and couldn’t think of a reply.  I think I must have just smiled lamely and said something like “have a nice day”.  What I should have said, according to one friend, was “I’m sorry, but we are not allowed to try out the tools”.  It would have been the perfect comeback.  I shall remember it in the unlikely event it ever happens again.

Later that same day, another customer who saw me upon entering the store, came up to me and asked for a hug.  I am not really a hugger, and was quite shocked by this request.  I think I must have looked absolutely horrified, as the customer then told me just how much he loved my store.  It was quite unusual to say the least.  And then there are the customers you wished you didn’t try to talk to politely.  Like the time I asked a lady about her purchases and she burst in to tears as her mother had just died and these were for the funeral.  I felt so inadequate and clumsy.  I really wasn’t sure what to say to her.  It was quite awkward really.   All in all though, it’s been an interesting first week (well, first week full time not part time), and we’ll see how this coming week goes.

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In other news, last night I had a fabulous time at a ball.  The food was rather ordinary and the wine and champagne weren’t particularly good, but the company and the dancing was brilliant.  I had a fantastic time, and can’t wait to do it all again next year.  I realised how lucky I am to have some truly amazing people in my life.  We laughed, chatted, drunk, danced, and then partied afterward in a nearby pub almost until the sun came up.  It really was a great evening.  I also met the best friend of one of my besties husband and he was interesting to say the least.  There was chemistry, common interests, laughter and a bit of flirtation.  I have heard however that he is a bit of a player, and while I considered having a bit of fun, I knew it could end badly, and be really awkward, and you know, I really don’t like awkward.  Which of course made me realise how much I sometimes think things through and think of the possible consequences before starting a course of action.  The control freak part of my personality strikes again!  I think that I need to learn how to sometimes not be as cautious, and just relax and go with the flow.  I shall work on it.

Last Night!

So my trip to visit friends in two major cities is drawing to a close. I will fly home tonight and I’m somewhat sad to be going home. I’ve had an awesome time and wish I’d had longer in both places. It has been so good to catch up with old friends and make new friends. I have eaten so much fabulous food and had many interesting conversations. I have also revisited my old party girl ways in this last city. The past couple of nights has bought back so many memories but at the same time, I’ve made many new memories (one of which may or may not have involved dancing around with a teapot).

I’d always been told that the people in this second city where very aloof, even when out drinking. I haven’t personally experienced this, in fact quite the opposite – people where friendly and up for numerous conversations which was lovely. I think I’d forgotten how much fun it can be to sit down and have a conversation with some random, dance the night away, and revisit my super clumsy ways (I have a lovely graze and bruise on my knee to prove this one). I really have enjoyed my time here.

I should mention that I was pleasantly suprised with how friendly the people in city number one where. I wasn’t expecting it, but they where awesome and the service and general awesomeness suprised me. I was very sad to not have more time there so hopefully I’ll be able to get back there later in the year. I’m off to enjoy my last couple of hours here before I head home. Will update more later!

Confessions of someone with compulsive tendencies.

I was reading an online discussion the other day and a particular comment made me pause for a moment, and consider my life.  The discussion was about careers and how your career is not your life.  I realised that for a long time now my life has centered around being accepted to medical school. I have always thrown myself into one project or another so I can understand how this  happened, as the application process for graduate entry medicine is time consuming with many hurdles to be jumped.  It started me thinking, that if I’m this compulsive and single minded about getting into medical school, what will the reality be like if I do get into medicine? How much of my life will not be dominated by medicine? Knowing my past history, and how consumed with things I can get, it worries me.  I’ve never been very good at balance, and I have been thinking that if I can’t manage it while I’m not even in medical school, how will I cope if I get in?

So I think I will start by taking baby steps now, and hopefully I can manage the balance thing.  I plan to start by posting about things other then medical school, while trying not to worry what will happen in this process. I’ve always kind of believed what is meant to be will be, so if medicine is the path I meant to follow then my hard work and perseverance will pay off and I’ll get a place.  If not, there are many other things I can do.  It’s time I start actually living my life, not waiting for something that may or may not happen.  I’m not always the best judge of my performance, so if I it seems all I’m posting about is medicine and how it’s effecting my life, I’d appreciate this being pointed out to me.

Update…

So, just for the record, I decided to apply after all and now it’s just a waiting game to see if I get an interview.  I also applied to sit the UMAT to increase my chances of getting in next year.  It seems that this year has become the year of sitting exams for me.  It’s still a while off yet, so I’m not really thinking about that just yet.  What I am thinking about is the awesome holiday I have planned  for next week.  I’ll be spending a couple of days in two different cities and I can’t wait! It will be so good to catch up with friends, relax and do some shopping. It’s funny how quickly those few days can fill up with things to do, places to go, and people to see.  I’m getting really excited and can’t wait!

Urgh, Results.

Hmm, where to begin?  I got my GAMSAT results back last friday and I wasn’t happy with them at all.  I studied more this time, yet my overall result was worse then last year.  I thought I had a good strategy for answering the questions – but obviously not.  While my score from last year is ok, it isn’t great, and my chances of getting a place next year aren’t particularly good – even if I apply to a school that uses other criteria or are often considered “easier” to get into.  This makes my decision of where to apply very difficult and I’m having a lot of trouble deciding whether I should apply at all, and where I should I apply to.  I’m not sure I could take another rejection, and still continue on this path.

So I’m seriously considering my options.  I am trying to decide whether I should apply this year or just leave it and try my hand at the GAMSAT again next year.  I’m also considering whether I should sit the UMAT and try for undergraduate medicine.  I know most people are of the opinion that why not apply anyway? The worst thing that could happen is you loose the money from applying, and don’t get an interview or a place in medicine.  Losing the money doesn’t worry me.  Missing out on an interview doesn’t worry me that much either, although it would be disappointing.  What does concern me is missing out again after an interview.  I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to go through that again and still continue on this path.

I was devastated when I finally saw my results on my computer screen, as I had seriously expected to do better then I had.  I had felt fairly confident in my performance, and to do worse than last year was a serious blow.  A friend woke me up to tell me that the results where out, and I know that my response to them was a bit terse.  It was still raw, and I felt pressured into letting them know how I went.  So many people who know what this whole process entails have been incredibly supportive and I thank them for that.  They are constantly pointing out the positives, and that I still have a shot at next year.  I am not convinced however – but then I’m not sure I’m dealing with this particularly well.  I do know that there are so many out there who would like to have my score, so that they had a shot at applying, yet I can’t be happy about it.

It’s made me start doubting again that this is the right course for me.  Well, at this time anyway, who knows what will happen in the future? I’ve always, perhaps a bit unrealistically, believed that things happen for a reason.  I think I may have a lot to learn before I am ready to follow the path into medicine, that perhaps I am not ready.  I have a lot of issues – mainly family issues – that I don’t talk about a lot, I know that I am seriously flawed, and I wonder if perhaps I need to sort some of these things out before I will be ready to help other people.

I am desperately feeling the need to retreat, to avoid this whole situation, and the people who are somewhat involved in it.  That has always been my default mechanism, to retreat from things I don’t think I can handle, then ignore them.  I have slowly come to the realisation that this isn’t helpful for me.  I don’t learn anything, I don’t grow and I stagnate.  I don’t deal with things, they build up, and I’m sure an explosion is somewhat imminent, or perhaps I’ll lose another little piece of my soul that I’ll never get back.  So I’ve decided to try to the best of my ability, to not retreat.  To push through my natural defenses and hopefully learn something along the way.

I’ve just realised this post has become very random, with many diversions.  I’m not sure I’ve gotten my point across, or that I even had a point to begin with.  Except that I am perhaps very indecisive right now, although hopefully, I’ll be able to make a decision soon.

GAMSAT madness…

The last two days have been driving me insane.  And it has nothing to do with waiting for my GAMSAT results, although it is related to the waiting of GAMSAT results for other people.   I have been a regular contributing (although whether my contributions are actually worthwhile is anyone’s guess) member of a certain forum for about a year now.  Over the last two days, I have noticed a certain trend which has been annoying me quite a bit.  It’s the trend of people who have not contributed at all (let alone introduced themselves), but have been members for months, suddenly raring their heads to ask dumb questions (whose answers are readily available if one cared to look) and whine about when the GAMSAT results will be released.

Seeing more and more of these people come out of the woodwork has the unfortunate effect of making me super cranky.  I managed to get away from it for a while yesterday with a shopping trip followed by a lovely “family” dinner for a close friends birthday, where her mother asked me if I was raised in the country, because I apparently don’t talk like other people my age and have passable manners.   The shopping trip was mainly to get her a birthday present, although I did pick up a few books.  I can also say she was absolutely delighted with the old style english teacup and saucer, with some lovely rose black tea, an infuser and a tea scoop.  I was very impressed by the  nice guy in the teashop who wrapped the present beautifully (and for free!).  Mmm, I do so love a good cup of tea, but I digress.

So when I finally got home, I checked my favorite forum, and low and behold, there where more idiotic posts that made my blood boil.  So when a fellow member told me about a certain prank he was thinking of playing (rickrolling, which I actually find quite funny) I wholeheartedly agreed to post said prank in a relevant thread and see the fall out (yes I am a little bit mean).  I can’t say it was what I expected.  It appears to have gone unnoticed by a lot of people, of if they fell for it they aren’t talking.  The few that have commented have seemed to find it quite funny.  The others have been discussing a new development on the GAMSAT candidate page.  They seem to have found a thing saying results are available, but there is always an error when you try to access the results.

This got me thinking back to last year.  I remember when the results where released by a staggered release, some people who knew they where out tried to access the page, whereby they got the error message I just mentioned and had to wait until the email hit their inbox to click on that link.  At the time, and until recently I just assumed (yes, I know assuming makes an ass out of u and me, thank you very much Mrs R.) that they used a different URL for the results, which was why we couldn’t access the results. Since last night I have been thinking that it is probably due to the staggered release of results.

Once your results hit the server, you get an automated email with a link to the results, which are at the same URL as the admission ticket.  I came to this conclusion after logging in to the link given to us last year in the email informing us the results where available, and entered the email alias that I only used for the first time in this application cycle.  I got the same result as everyone else – the error message.  Which led me to the conclusion about the staggered results.

As you can see, I obviously have way too much time on my hands, otherwise I would have taken the simpler route and looked to see if the links were exactly the same. Meh, I like to do things the difficult way, keeps my brain occupied, and I like my erroneous conclusions much better that way. I have a feeling today is the day!  So wish me luck!  I should also wish good luck to those out there waiting as well.