Dishonesty

This week, I was starkly reminded how much I hate dishonesty, especially when I’m forced into a position of feeling like I’m being dishonest.  Although I suppose technically I wasn’t lying, I was just omitting a few very pertinent truths.  I suppose I should start at the beginning.  It’s just as well I got into medical school beginning next year as my position at work will no longer exist next year.  Well, not in it’s current guise at any rate.  The business is streamlining and as a result the job I currently do will involve looking after three locations, as opposed to the one it currently is.

This of course encompasses further responsibility while negating a lot of the administrative tasks which seem to constantly bog me down.  It is definitely a good thing.  Of course the downside is that three qualified and competent people will now be competing for that one role.  If I hadn’t of gotten into medical school I would have thrown my hat in the ring and taken my chances as in all honesty it is a fabulous opportunity.  I can see how you’d be asking where does the dishonesty come in? Well, I’ve known now for a couple of months or so of these changes.  However I have been asked by my big boss to keep it quite, and currently only my direct supervisor, the big boss and I are aware of the impending changes.

The plan was to tell all the important players at once, in a meeting the next week.  However, since then many meetings have come and gone and no one is the wiser.  I’ve been in the dubious position of having to skirt around the truth with these players a few times over the last couple of months and have found doing so quite dishonest and a position I hate being in.  However, what I find most reprehensible is having to skirt around the truth with a particular colleague.

You see, this colleague was the one I competed against, and I use the term loosely, when I originally was given my position.  He has not hidden the fact that he really wants my job, and over the last year or so I have groomed him to take on my job if and when I got into medical school or move on to my next promotion.  Luckily for me, he went away on a five week holiday overseas, and only returned to work late this week.  Meaning, he didn’t know I’d gotten into medical school and as such I had hoped that the big boss would tell all the other players before he got back to work allowing me to let him know the change in my position, and my acceptance into med school.

Of course, this wasn’t to be, and he came back before this has occurred.  So when I saw him, I asked him about his trip and what not but didn’t tell him my news. Not long after this conversation as I was walking by he congratulated me on getting into medical school and my heart plummeted.  I’m not sure who told him, but I could see from the look on his face and his excitement that clearly he thinks he’ll soon be taking over my role.  Which won’t be the case at all.  The job will go to one of the two other qualified people, and he doesn’t have a chance.  And I couldn’t tell him.  I felt like the biggest, most dishonest person and I absolutely hated it.

I don’t know how long it’ll be until the big boss decides to tell the other important people, but until then I can only imagine his happiness and excitement will grow only to be quickly deflated when he finds out the truth.  I wanted to avoid this, and now I feel partially responsible.  Logically I know that I am not responsible for what he things, and  that there are no guarantees things will stay the same, or that he would indeed get my position, but emotionally I feel a bit like I’m giving him a long wanted gift only to snatch it away. And it disgusts me.  I abhor being put in this position, and I’d love to take him quietly aside and inform him of the facts, but I also know he is a pretty big gossip and that it won’t stay confidential for long.  Urgh pretty much sums up how I feel about the situation nicely.

What’s that? More Shopping? More Food?

Wow, I can’t believe how quickly the weekend flew by once again.  I’m completely not ready to head into work tomorrow.  Particularly as last week was such an awful week, and I’m not quite ready to see the people who made it so.  Suffice to say, there was a lot of conflict and minor pettiness from one of my colleagues in particular.  I’ve come to see just how much of a manipulative bastard he is, and in all honesty I would be very glad to never have to see him again.  Unfortunately I shall have to deal with him tomorrow and to say I’m not looking forward to the pleasure is more than an understatement.

Friday was a particularly heinous day and I was so glad to be able to leave early afternoon to begin the weekend early.  I was even more pleased to arrive home to find a few packages awaiting my arrival, one earlier than expected and the other I had completely forgotten about which turned out to be a nice surprise.  Do you want to see what I came home to? Well I’m going to show you anyway.

The Chanel biography was a pre-order from the book depository and the item I had completely forgotten about.  Although I’m excited to read it, as it promises to be a very interesting book.  The rest is my order from Kiss and Make Up NY a US website specialising in a few cosmetics brands (among other things) that ships to Australia for very reasonable rates.  They currently ship worldwide for $9.95 which is fantastic, albeit bad for my purse! I get very excited that I can purchase at American prices as opposed to Australian prices.  Example – that NARS blush I purchased cost me US $28.  The price to buy the very same thing in Mecca Cosmetica one of the Australian NARS retailers? AU $45.

Before I purchased, I googled reviews of Kiss and Make Up NY and as expected it was pretty much a mixed bag.  I can only speak of my own experience though which was a positive one.  I received a shipping notification within a couple of days of placing my order, and the items arrived just under two weeks later.  And the packaging to prevent damage to the items is the best I have ever seen.  To be honest, I have never seen so much bubble wrap in one parcel in my life! The postage satchel itself was also padded, meaning my items arrived in pristine condition.  And as you can see, I ordered a few nail polishes as well and I always worry they will smash in the mail!  I may already be planning my next order with them!

But I digress.  As you can see my order contained a number of items. For a long time now, I have wanted to try the NARS blushers as I have heard fantastic things about them.  After much consideration, I decided to go with the shade entitled “deep throat” which is a beautiful shimmery peachy colour.

I was also wanting to try the Laura Mercier silk creme foundation for days when my tinted moisturiser just doesn’t cut it.  Both of these led me to the aforementioned website, and while I was there I decided I may as well make the best use of the postage costs and decided to try my first Deborah Lippmann polish in the delightfully pretty shade sweet dreams, and the NARS Kuroko mini polish collection caught my eye as well (among other items that will be in my next order for sure).

I’ve had a play with most of these products this weekend, but am looking forward to seeing how well they perform in my regular rotation.  I must confess that playing with my new toys kept me occupied for most of the night, which turned out to be a fairly early one. Partly as I wasn’t feeling the best, but also so that I would be ready for my breakfast catch up in the morning.

One of the lovely forum members from Paging Dr  happened to be visiting my humble little city for a number of family engagements over the course of the weekend.  We took the opportunity to catch up for breakfast and I got to eat at one of my absolute favourite cafes of all time.  I absolutely love their brunches.  As did my dining companions.  Of course, this post wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t have photos of food to tease you with!

Poached eggs on sour dough, with avocado, grilled haloumi, caramelised onion and tomato bernaise added up to one delicious and incredibly satisfying brunch.  I must confess to not eating for the rest of the day as I was so stuffed from brunch!  And the dinner I had was a light meal as I still wasn’t up to anything to filling.  The freshly squeezed OJ I had came out in the cutest little bottle – alas I didn’t think to capture its image.  The brioche french toast with passionfruit cream that the lovely PD forum member got looked amazing – I’ll definitely have to try that one next time.

I whiled away the rest of the day, and then today I decided to stop all thoughts of potential GEMSAS interviews (for some crazy reason it seems to be all I can think about at the moment) wich a trip to the local shopping center.  I walked into David Jones wondering if the new O.P.I. Germany collection had hit our shores yet, and indeed it had.

I couldn’t help but pick up a few colours – a bottle of “Every Month is Oktoberfest” and the Ger-mini mini set.  There are still a couple of colours I’d like to pick up from this collection next time I head into DJs. As I type this I am sporting “Every month is Oktoberfest” and it is incredibly beautiful.  I shall try to get a sunlight photo tomorrow to show you.  I also managed to get a free O.P.I. 3-in-1 base, top coat, and nail strengthener since I spent over $39.90 on O.P.I. products.  I do so love free stuff, particularly when I was planning on buying what I did anyway.  While in DJs I also picked up my favourite polish remover – the pink Sally Hansen one.  For some reason, I cannot find it in any supermarket, priceline etc which meant I had to buy it from DJs.  Luckily for me, it was pretty averagely priced which was a surprise.

After DJs I just wandered for a while until I saw a Portmans store and decided to head in and check out their dresses. And fell in love with a gorgeous black dress (it has pockets!) that would be perfect if I am lucky enough to get a GEMSAS interview this year.  And since I was feeling pretty lucky, and it was on sale and all, and they had my size it would be completely wrong for me not to purchase this perfect dress.  And so I did.  Now I just need a cute little cap sleeve top and some new shoes and I’ll be set for interview season.  Huzzah! No freaking out about what to wear, since it’s all sorted.

Now, it’s back to the waiting for GEMSAS.  It’s like watching paint dry.  Any suggestions on how I can keep myself busy and out of mischief while waiting?

What a week!

Wow, what a week.  It was just a little bit insane.  Between the conference (which was not at all what I expected), long catch up day, and a meeting on the other side of town the week simply flew by, and I was absolutely exhausted yesterday.  The conference was rather interesting, and I was enthralled by the afternoon’s guest speaker who shared her insights into leadership after spending a year as the station manager in Antartica.  I must say, after her talk I was ready to sign up for a year there (which actually wasn’t the point of the talk). I don’t know how I’d handle the cold, but it sounded like a simply amazing experience.

I also met the managing director or our company who happens to be a very intelligent, passionate and incredibly charismatic man.  With such strong leadership I can now see how our company has become an industry leader, and can only hope to have a fraction of his leadership skills one day.  He mentioned four, four letter words which are key ingredients to success in leadership and our business – Care, Give, Team and Best, and I know the messages behind each will stick with me for a long time.  Perhaps one day I can do justice to the explanation of each, but for now I will leave it there.

Then was a day of paperwork, meetings and catching up on all the gossip that I’d missed, and sharing my own gossip about my time off. The next day, in the company of a team mate, we drove over an hour each way to the opposite side of the city.  Admittedly, it wasn’t a bad drive, especially with views like this:

And the meeting was rather informative.  However, I learned there is only so much time I can spend in my colleagues company before I go insane.  He is a nice enough guy, and very interested in and passionate about what I do (he may in fact actually want my job!), but he is far, far too chatty for my peace of mind.  By the end of the day I wanted to put him in the “silent corner” (which we don’t actually  have) just so that I could have a moment of peace!  Between the travel and the meeting, the day was pretty much gone by the time I got back to work.  Oh, and they fed us a delicious morning tea composed of many different cakes and slices which I am rather partial too.

Then today I had to work, and generally it’s never any fun on a Sunday.  It is tedious and boring and such a long day.  Especially when the day is cold and rainy. Such was the case today.  However, there were a number of things that made it a good day from the outset.

Firstly, my sisters boyfriend made the trek out to a semi decent local coffee place this morning and returned bearing coffee gifts.  Which of course indebted him to me.  I hope she keeps him around for a while, I could get used to this kind of service.  And then, when I got to work I was given a box of McDonalds cookies as I walked in the door.  So my breakfast now looked something like this:

Note: I transferred the coffee to my favourite travel mug, lest everyone know I had better coffee than they had.  By this point I was very happy of course.  I had coffee AND cookies so my day was looking up.  It only got that much better when the second boss arrived for the day bearing mini reece’s peanut butter cups and peanut butter m&ms – turns out he’d visited the international candy store on his way home yesterday.  He insisted I eat my fair share of the aforementioned chocolate, and I didn’t need to be asked twice.

I’m now home and feeling just a little sick, after all of the chocolate and cookies and coffee I consumed today.  Although, I must say it is definitely the best Sunday I’ve worked in ages.  On top of that, my sister got back from the USA this week (so there were many stories and presents to be had), and I had a few social commitments that meant the week has just flown by! I’m glad it’s over, and that tomorrow’s a public holiday.  🙂

Heigh-Ho heigh-ho it’s off to work I go…

It’s official.  I’m procrastinating.  Tomorrow will be my first day back at work after two blissful weeks off.  Weeks that have flown by way too quickly, and I’m not ready to go back yet! I still have so many books to read, and chores that I want to complete.  It seems the first week I spent getting ready for my interstate trip, and then actually on my trip.  While this week was all about recovering, completing my GEMSAS application and coming up with the perfect present for the birthday of one on my best friends (which was very well received at afternoon tea on Sunday).

I think part of my problem with going back to work tomorrow is that I have no idea what to expect, other than it will be a long day.  Tomorrow I shall be attending a conference in the city, and am expected there by 7.30am with my specific list of items that must accompany me.  From the list, I think there may be a visit to the pub for lunch / dinner (although perhaps that is wishful thinking on my part).  I have been informed that the earliest I shall be departing this conference will be 6.30pm, which will make it a long day.  I’m not looking forward to peak hour traffic tomorrow.

The thing I wonder about, is what exactly is going to take so long? I mean, it won’t be the sort of conference I’ve attended in the past.  There shall be no discussion of journal articles or recent research presented by university professors.  Indeed, I don’t expect there to be any professors actually present tomorrow.  I suppose I shall find out tomorrow, I just hope they don’t expect too much of me.  I mean, I’m still in holiday mode, and aside from the conference this week is going to be a strange one.

I already know I will have two weeks worth of work to catch up on, and only really one day to do it which will be on Wednesday.  Thursday I am expected over the other side of town to attend a meeting which will pretty much take up most of the day, with a brief catch up with my boss in the afternoon.  I’m kind of nervous about that too, I don’t think it’ll be enough time. Why? Well you see, my boss is about to embark on her own holiday and guess who will be left in charge in her absence?

You guessed it, it’ll be me.  Whose bright idea was it to leave me in charge, when I’ve heard stories that practically my whole team has been in tears during my absence, generally to do with performance issues. I really don’t want to have to conduct poor performance conversations while she’s away! Let alone deal with the tears. I have no idea what to say or do (other than grab a box of tissues) when other people are crying. Especially if I’m the inadvertent cause of the tears.  And a couple of hours of catch up really is not enough to prepare me for this.

And so, I’m not ready for work this week.  I know I’ll be fine, and will survive this “sink or swim” experience next week, but for now URGH! I’m freaking out man. Please don’t make me do this.

Week 9: Decisions, decisions

It’s no secret I’ve been feeling rather ambivalent about sitting the GAMSAT recently.  It had slipped from my list of priorities, but I had still planned on sitting it and working my ass off this month.  I’ve had a massive week at work, one I’ve known about and have spent my time planning for a few months.  It went pretty smoothly, I thrived on the challenge and enjoyed the experience more than I ever imagined I would.  And my efforts didn’t go unnoticed by the big wigs either, but that is another story.  The point I’m making is that I’m so exhausted right now I can’t think straight, let alone be expected to make a decision of this magnitude.  Have I ever mentioned how I suck at making decisions?

Yet I must. My decision is due tomorrow morning when I start work at 7am and I have no freaking idea what I’m going to say.  See, the thing is, I have just been offered an amazing opportunity.  One I would jump at any other time.  I was one of three people selected to learn and implement a new system.  This opportunity would require me flying to another state for a few days, the rest of the week at the head office in my state, before using the following two weeks to go out to multiple locations and implement what I’ve learned.  The thing is, this project is time dependant.  The new system will go live on a certain date, so all training would need to be completed before then.

My dilemma? The first week of the training is the week I have booked for annual leave.  I took a week of annual leave the week before GAMSAT to ensure I could be as prepared as possible.  It was hard enough making that decision to take the week off for study purposes (call me crazy, but I like using my leave for fun stuff), now I have to decide if I’ll cancel that leave and accept this opportunity, or continue with the leave and let this chance pass me by.

Of course, what makes this decision that much more difficult, is my ambivalent feelings recently about the GAMSAT and medicine.  I can’t remember the last time I visited Paging Dr or stopped by for a chat with the current med students. And you know what? Surprisingly I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would.  Of course, there are people that I miss. Amazing people, who will make fabulous doctors one day, and this has nothing to do with that.  I guess, this year I’ve made certain choices, often as the result of events that have happened which have changed me, and changed my perspective.

I’ve regained a lot of the confidence that I’d lost (somehow without even realising it), and almost feel like that girl I once was, whom I often miss. I have no doubt that I have the skills and attributes necessary to survive, and perhaps even thrive in challenging situations, and think I’d make a half decent doctor. Yet, it’s not the be all and end all, there is more to me and to my life than one particular degree I’ve wanted to study for a long time.  I still want it, but I think I have a more realistic view of it’s importance in my life and the grand scheme of things.

Which is why I am struggling with this decision.  If I had done more study, and felt more prepared, I think I could do both. As it is, right now it feels like I have had less than 24 hours to make a decision that has the potential to effect me for a very long time. Not a decision to be taken lightly at all.  The irony in all of this, is that I have not been able to get hold of any of the people I want to discuss my options with.  So it is a decision I’ll be making alone, when I do actually want to hear what other people think.

Usually I make a decision by myself, and don’t want to hear what others think about it.  Now that I do want their opinions, I can’t get hold of them. Ah fate, you can be very capricious, and I’m sure you definitely have a quirky sense of humour.  So it comes down to this. My choice. GAMSAT or work opportunity that doesn’t come around often, but would be an amazing experience.

When I started this post I had a feeling I’d take the work opportunity. Now I’m thinking perhaps I should focus on the GAMSAT.  God knows what’ll come out of my mouth tomorrow morning when I’m called upon to provide an answer.  Perhaps I’ll have to flip a coin.  All I know is, that I am tired, I don’t want to choose, yet I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight, with thoughts of the choice before me occupying my mind.  All I know is, this decision feels monumental, like a turning point, or a test of my resolve perhaps. I also know that I don’t want to make the wrong choice.   Urgh!

Week 7: Anger

Today was an awful day.  The worst day at work I’ve had in a very very long time.  A day that refused to end it seemed. I came close to quitting and walking out at least five times today.  Have you ever been so angry, that you almost fainted? I can now say that I have.  Anger isn’t an emotion I am overly familiar with.  Sure, I had my angst ridden teen years, and do remember many, many small outbursts, but there hasn’t been anything in a long time.  I’ve mellowed and calmed a bit with age, and take most things in my stride.  If I do happen to get angry, I’m usually in a position where I can walk away to cool off.  Today, I had no such luck.

Somehow I fell into the unfortunate position of being so worked up while having no real outlet for my anger and frustration.  I felt forced to remain in a situation not of my creation, but for which I wore the brunt of the issue of coming up with solutions. Only my solutions where not good enough and did not suit one persons ideas. Yet this same person could not come up with a suitable solution themselves. On and on, round and round until my head felt like it would explode.  More people became involved, everyone with their own idea, no one prepared to listen.

My frustration and anger mounted to such a point, that my legs started shaking, my vision blurred, I became dizzy and overwhelmed.  At which point, one witness to the “discussion” stood up, and pushed me into his recently vacated chair.  I later learned I had lost all colour, and looked pretty terrible.  My clarity gradually returned, as my anger eased somewhat.   An agreeable solution was eventually found, although I am still angry, especially about the loss of time over something that really is pretty inconsequential.  This whole debacle took up a good portion of the afternoon, leaving me with more work than I can really deal with at the moment.  It’s going to be a long week I fear.

It really capped off a truly hideous week.  Of course, a lot of the problems of the past week have been hormone related, and possibly due to the pain.  I have popped so many pain killers the past week and a bit, I’ve felt a bit like a druggie.  Although that’s nothing new.  Every few months, when the pain hits, and the only way to survive is through a variety of drugs designed to numb that pain, I feel a little inadequate, among other things.  I know many others suffer more than I do, but that doesn’t help me much.  Luckily for me, I’m at the end of the tunnel and can see the light.  The fog I’ve been in, is starting to lift as the pain dissipates, and so does my reliance on analgesics.

I feel a bit like a bird about to take off from its nest for the first time in a while. I know I have a little bit further to fall, but I am not scared.  I have the confidence and the strength to realise that the fall will not last. And after the fall, I will be given the chance to soar.  I’m hoping to soar higher than I have before, while achieving things I’ve only dreamed of achieving.  While I know the next couple of weeks are going to be difficult at work, and so will the few that follow (in the lead up to the dreaded beast who shall remain nameless), I also know that I will survive, and perhaps even thrive in these conditions.  I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge, and it’s time I embraced those before me as the learning opportunities they are.  2012 is really starting to look up.

Week 26: Where has the year gone?

It’s crazy how fast the year is progressing. I can’t quite believe it is July already. Where the hell have the last 6 months gone? Have you seen them? I don’t believe I have.  For me, the year has been a bit of a blur, between work, school and social commitments, I don’t think I’ve had much time to myself.  Which isn’t completely bad, but I do so value my time outs.   I have a couple more weeks off before I go back to uni, and I have decided that the next weekend I have off I shall do nothing, no plans, no social engagements just chill out time.   Assessment time if you like, to take stock and get ready for another crazy 6 months.

Work continues to be insane, but I finally feel like I have it somewhat under control. True, I still very rarely take a lunch break, but despite the extra expectations that are continually placed on my shoulders, I’m not worried about them as much as I was.  I’m back to taking things in my stride, and you have no idea how much I am glad this is the case.  It’s true, I like and thrive on challenges, but feeling competent and less stressed is a blessing I’ve often taken for granted in the past.

I’m hoping that now that I have found my “feet” so to speak, that the next 6 months will be easier then the first. Perhaps I’ll get the balance better during the semester and feel like I’m actually achieving something, instead of merely keeping my head above water. I guess we’ll see what happens.